The Cause The Effect and The Wish

A major life change at the end of 2006 saw me close off a rather large slice of my heart and say goodbye to a great many of my dreams. At the same time, I saw the value in parts of my life that I was about to walk away from and the two experiences came together and life went on.

Little by little I broke down all the reflections of myself that I despised. The mirrors were stark and unpleasant. But I kept looking and maintained my gaze.

However in the process, I allowed guilt and shame to direct my life choices and I lost myself in the sea of change. The energy drained out of me not as one gulping wave but tiny little swirls over the ensuing years.

I chose this path. It was my decision.

I don't regret it however looking back I can see how I forgot to honour and factor myself into my own life.

So I guess now I have that opportunity. A silver lining to a grey cloud. :-)

 I did this consciously for I believed that I had no value, that I was a bad mother and that I should suck it up and make the best of it instead. I surrendered to my prison and felt like I had no other options. Work became the priority and keeping up with those demands – business and house and life – to minimise the criticism and stress – was my focus. I had a thriving Business Coaching career. I was writing for several magazines and was being invited to speak at various events. I was travelling on my own and setting up global networks for business and friendship alike. And I have bit by bit closed the door on everything that I created and that lived inside of my heart. I didn’t have the energy to keep fighting to maintain ME while serving others so I closed the doors and just surrendered. 

But being candid here I CHOSE to surrender. I CHOSE to submit in my full feminine to the masculine because I wanted to feel more like a woman and less like the man who HAD TO MAKE EVERYTHING happen. And I have felt that most definitely. In December 2006, my heart splintered and I vowed to never again allow another person in to see that part of me that was ME. And I haven’t. I have developed a workable relationship with a different kind of love. My heart and my soul have been squirreled away so I can just keep up with the workload.

I did this to myself.

When I look into my future I see nothing but darkness. I no longer have the purpose that I had. I feel nothing – no connection to that old me that old vision. I have no idea what I’m headed towards and nothing in my heart to desire the way I should. It is a big thing to admit but I think that part of this exhaustion and illness is all about how I have been living my life since 2007. I don’t feel alive. I feel mostly dead. I want to change that. I CHOOSE TO CHANGE THAT.

And so I have begun searching for what that may be.

But finding nothing.

So I've decided to give up the search.

I've decided instead to simple BE open to whatever comes to me. Be open to faith in life and in myself that my purpose cannot be forced that it will reveal itself to me when I am ready to receive it. Imagine a control freak not actively participating in her own purpose – shocking right? But if I’m to survive and thrive and live until I’m 120 years of age, then I see no other way to be right now THAN to be open and with faith and trust.

Things I’m noting are all the times that my heart has felt like it is on fire:

A sunset over the ocean.

A sunrise in the bush.

That wind you feel in May late in the evening in George Street in the city when it is fresh and crisp and comforting.

And then the wind you feel in September late in the evening in the very same famous wind tunnel when it feels exciting and new like something beautiful is coming your way.

Holding Archie.

Talking to him about the trees and telling him to listen to their chatter.

Anytime I travel – New York, Italy, London, France, Ireland, Nepal – where I arrive in a foreign place yet see myself in the reflections of the faces around me.

Reading a book that takes me to another time and land where my heart carries the adventure with me for the next few weeks.

Listening to Beethoven and remembering when Sam and I watched the Boston Symphony Orchestra in Carnegie Hall together.

Eating healthy fresh Italian food and remembering when Nik and I sampled antipasti in Eataly in New York most days together.

Drinking Italian red wine and remembering when Tim and I visited all these wineries together in the Napa Valley when we visited San Francisco for his 21^st birthday.

Playing Yahtzee and remembering the six weeks Alex and I played Yahtzee daily while waiting for Archie to arrive.

Sitting outside in the bush just as the sun is going down feeling surrounded by dark green, listening to the distant moos of cows, the cooing of the birds as they find their nest for the night, feeling the cool of the evening invite itself into my body and remembering the twittering of Mille and Aggie chuckling with each other as they prepare the evening meal in the tiny kitchen at Cross Street.

Anytime I visit my aunt's house, I climb into bed and feel as if I am a baby being cuddled and I feel safe and loved and welcomed.

So my task is simple. Do something every day that fills my heart with fire. Surround myself with whatever I need to do that. Plan activities to fire my heart every year. Wake up in the morning with my heart craving the adventure of the day instead of dreading the stresses that are out of my control but attributed to me regardless of what I do. Finding the value in the years since 2007 and feeling the silver linings in my heart in gratitude for the experiences that brought me here to this very moment where I remembered my heart and made a commitment to include it in my life again.

Fog

When fog descends I often wonder about its timing. 

Is there something we do not need to see in that moment? 

Does the fog give  us a timely breather just for a couple of seconds to re centre and refocus. 

If we saw everything as it truly is all the time then perhaps we might miss something. :)

Flow

River river where do you flow? 

Give me a clue. 

Which direction is the best flow? 

I search your waters in hope of an answer and yet you seem to flow in all directions. 

Undercurrents, side streams, up the river, across the river bank and out to sea. 

All I ask is for you to point me in the right direction and you respond pretty clearly. 

Each flow each direction has a purpose even if it feels like I am swimming upstream. 

Dear river you seem to be at peace in all directions. 

We Are We Are Not

We are not the experience. 

We are the consciousness experiencing the experience

I am who I am because of you

Forty months of my life have been dedicated to sharing my body with each of you at a time. There is no comparable beauty or honour than while carrying a child. The fierce mother tigress emerged then protecting her growing belly at all costs. Then I met you – each in different ways and times – and it was as if you had been with me all the time. Alex, you emerged one day early and looked directly at me with calm focus – locking eyes with full expectation that together we had a job to do. I almost heard you say: “Right there you are. Come on let’s get started!” I was so young and so terrified and you expertly trained me out of being such a scared little girl into a capable strong mother. Tim, you cried leaving the comfort behind three weeks late yet stopped as soon as I put you under my chin snuggling in comfort and melting my heart. Sam, you surfaced two days late, arms and legs flapping around, eager to take on the world and start straight away – now!!! Niko, disembarking two weeks late, and like your sister before you, calmly emerged and directly engaged me with your peaceful determination. I continue to be amazed that your personalities have remained constant since the very first moment that we each met. I received a card from my cousin, Ben, upon Alex’s birth and it said “Life as you know it is over.” That bloody card haunted me for years as I was terrified that I would be true. Guess what? It was. Endless sleepless nights walking the floor while you screamed in pain or frustration or plain exhaustion. The nightly five o’clock danger zone where the only relief was walking the pram through the neighbourhood for hours. The desperate midnight car rides. My mother had a bag packed, pillows, doonas and PJs in her car for years ready to drive over as the relief team whenever the call went out. Raising each of you has been a team effort. Grandparents, cousins, neighbours, friends – there has always been an open arm willing to juggle and share. It does take a whole village to raise a child. Together we passed on clothes, toys, books, cots, prams and most importantly courage. You four will do the same with each other when the time comes. I have been spewed on, peed on and seen things in your nappies that would curl my father’s hair. I have mopped, hosed, bleached, disinfected and scrubbed enough shit to fill the Wivenhoe Dam. As a family we have spent so much time in the Emergency Ward that we now have special reserve seating. My frequent flyer points are record breaking for the miles to piano, violin, ballet classes, soccer, cricket and rugby games, camps, gigs, formals, concerts, functions, parties and graduations. Then the driving lessons, the late night “Come Get Me” calls when you try to pretend that you haven’t been drinking - yeah right. You each have collected your stories of my various cyclical rebellions to ban Easter, eradicate sugar, go vegetarian, open doors with axes, craft new family customs, explode religious myths and expose you to a variety of brave new worlds. You’ve endured me as a Wiccan, Conspiracy Theorist, Buddhist, Alien, Middle Eastern, New Age – and guffawed with each other about the next crazy thing I throw myself into. You’ve tolerated me dragging you to Chinese Doctors, Naturopaths, Psychics, Intuits, Magicians, Kinesiologists, Acupuncturists; Network Chiropractors, Massage Therapists, Homeopaths and Personal Development Gurus. We’ve pulled all nighters for assignments, presentations, exams, broken hearts, high temperatures and a plethora of childhood illnesses. I’ve cackled to myself with each new fashion statement, hair colour, dance move and favourite song you have shared with me. We’ve chatted, laughed, sang, danced, screamed, yelled, cried, sobbed and just sat silently with each other. Our talks have covered the most mundane to the most outrageous and you have each baffled me with your exceptional intelligence and I often wonder where the hell you came from. And you always remind me. Greater mirrors I have never known. My soul mates. My family. And you know what? I've loved every minute of it! I am who I am because of you. Today is MY day because of you four. Thank You xxx

Only a Dream

In my dream I lived in two houses. In each I had a splattering of my stuff all over the house. Each house felt familiar yet neither of them were owned by me. Each was owned by a family of a boy that went to school with my sons. I felt like an intruder not comfortable yet accepting that's how my home life was. There were secret door ways and hidden rooms within each and each time I was in one house I would discover more of the unknown. In the second house the family were asleep as I explored my room. I looked out the window and saw mountains and valleys and waterfalls and felt compelled to step outside cross the highway that separated me and join this majestic vista from the outside. (Instead of looking through a window) I made my way towards the ocean and sat on a cliff face and watched as people skied down the mountain or sky dived or dove into the waterfalls. There were literally thousands of people having the times of their lives while I sat and watched. All of a sudden a large screen came down from the sky to form a whiteboard like backdrop albeit a giant whiteboard. Then a motorised giant robot appeared buzzing around in the air. It was the robot from Lost in Space but was modernised. No one paid any attention to it as lights flashed and a deep sharp siren was emitted from it. It grabbed my attention and I felt very afraid. A voice inside of me whispered "it's only a character made out of old tin. Nothing to be worried about!" And I felt relief and peace as a result. As the robot whirred in the background strange unfamiliar memories flooded my brain and despite the beauty of the ocean below I fell into a pit of despair. I felt no connection to many of the places, spaces, faces and activities that had chased me for so long. My energy levels were depleted yet somehow victorious. In my minds eye I watched as I walked from the Gold Coast to Ayers Rock wearing one old pair of brown leather sandals. I had a tiny olive canvas back pack on my back taking with me minimal supplies. The journey stripped me bare of all that I had previously thought was important. It took me seven long months. It wore away my bravado and left me with a new softness where there was no place for judgement or criticism. A deep crevasse of wisdom had been chiseled into my heart direct from the sweat that was my only companion on my adventure. Deep in this memory I shuddered for a moment and then took a deep breath and opened my eyes and saw the ocean below for what it really was.

I am that child

Today I drove into a car park during a storm and the water came up fast and flooded up to the top of the car. My very pregnant daughter was in the passenger seat. I froze for a moment in disbelief and she needed to shout at me to get me to take action.

It was unexpected and I was unprepared yet we escaped unharmed.

Now one car written off later I feel incredible shock in my head and body at the thought of putting her in danger that way. All the horror of what COULD have happened have flooded my head and I am swimming in unbelievable anguish as a result. 

I wondered if my own parents ever felt this same way with me and the whole notion of parental love is overwhelming me as a result,

Upon reflection I now understand how much mum and dad actually love me despite decades of me believing otherwise. It is quite possible that they have such a profound overwhelming love for me that it stresses them out and they cannot cope with the emotion as it manifests symptoms in their bodies. So they maintain a level of detachment to keep it all under control. After today I totally get that.

This would also therefore mean that there is a fantasy and nightmare - an imbalance in the perception - mine and theirs.

I have taken on their mental patterning. I have a recurring terrifying nightmare that my children will be harmed because I have a fantasy that I can control everything that happens to them. 

News flash Nicki - you am no longer responsible for them. They are adults responsible for their own decisions. I would love to spend time with my grandchildren however it is not my responsibility to raise them. This incredible job belongs with the parents alone. Pregnancy and Labour - also not my domain. I can be there if I can, to honour my children it is necessary for me to give them space as my parents have given me. But I'm not responsible. Say it again until you feel it - not responsible.

F&&Dk that's so hard to say and believe.

Geez Thank you Mum and Dad for loving me this way. It is exactly what I needed. I wouldn't be who I am today without you loving me in this fashion. I am not a victim of poor parenting. I  am part of a family team energy dynamic. I have all that I need. 

My big personal belief is that it takes a village to raise a child. I am that child. 

This experience brings me greater awareness of life conditions and how quickly they may change. I appreciate how my brave daughter handles herself in a crisis. She will make an excellent mother. Her son will be born into a loving safe family. She does not need my help. She knows how much I love her. She knows she is loved. This pattern of replaying and reliving nightmares shows an analytic mind searching for the key and the access sequence. This is how my mind works at times and this pattern is powerful in business and life. 

This experience is done. I no longer need to relive it. Over! Man I appreciate my vulnerability and see how life is shifting me into that space now. Some benefits of not being in control is to be in the moment. 100%. In the moment outside of fear I have all the tools I need to survive and thrive. If not someone around me will. Help will always be available. The car will be replaced. Our parking needs have diminished. Our costs will decrease. Our lives as a team will now grow more succinct. We live with less bringing us more time, resource, space and energy. 

There is nothing wrong with me feeling such shock. My questioning and even my victim hood brought exceptional value to an ever greater awareness. At every moment I have been everything. At every given moment I am both threatened and protected. I am safe right now. 

My body is the field of expression. 

Body what do you need to say to me? 

Let go. 

Stop worrying and trying so hard. 

Enjoy this moment as each one arrives. 

Live your life. 

Open yourself to the sun and the light in every day. 

Appreciate the faith you have in your parenting that has set up each of your children to live full lives. 

They are fine. 

They have the tools they need. 

Let go. 

All will be fine.

New York Freak Out

What is it about New York that inspires me so? 

I mean for a start it's dirty. It's filthy. I fantasise about grabbing a giant toilet brush and just scrubbing the entire city one building at a time. I flew into Manhattan the afternoon before Hurricane Sandy hit. I was the last flight allowed to land at JFK. Not once was I scared. 

But this new threat - this unseen scourge of humanity - ebola lurking in subways and hanging in the air like an unspoken word.

It has me seriously freaked. 

Not sure why.

My fantasy of New York has been smashed. And I knew it from the morning of our flight when I wanted to cancel my flight and was ridiculed for it.

Seeking Fuel

My body constantly seeks fuel.

Why?

It is always tired.

Why?

I dedicate my time to serving others without serving myself first.

I'm not celebrating my life or having fun.

I'm working for acceptance. Love and to be validated as like everyone else.

No one sees my sacrifice.

They simply criticise the end result of my sacrifice.

What do I want!?

Health beauty adventure peace fun sustainable balanced wholeness 

Only one person can change this.

ME

Measure Your Worth

If you do not set goals in everything that you do how do you measure what you do?

In business you must set a goal for each client.

Establish what they want and get them to quantify it.

Then offer your service in line with the achievement of those goals.

Keep track of all data

Refer back to the goals to maintain the value of the transaction,

Excuses are the best way to lose long term valuable customers.

People aren't looking for excuses.

They want results.

First priority is always to give a customer what they want.

Our job is to serve not provide excuses.

The time it takes to send an email is the time it takes to build a report and send it and add a task.

A company is not a vessel for excuses or stories.

It is a vessel for action service and productivity in alignment with the goals we have in place and the processes and the character of our company. 

We are all here to support service of each customer. Know exactly what is required to administer everything in your company. Have ongoing data demonstrating how much longer it takes you to deliver the actions for everyone in your team. By working outside of the required parameters you limit your own effectiveness and value in your own team. 

Measure your worth!

Perception Adjustment

I had a large family event yesterday. It's a regular occurrence. I've nominated myself as the person responsible for changing the culture in my family and keeping everyone together so I try to run a large event at least four times a year. There is a rhythm to the proceedings now after many years of trying to find my beat. Yesterday my father and stepmother attended. This is a rarity. He is a very grumpy angry man whose company is incredibly challenging to endure. However I unashamedly dangled the carrot of his very pregnant grand daughter to lure him here. I find my relentless commitment to obtaining his seemingly unattainable approval equal parts frustrating, nauseating and impressive. One of my friends yesterday is a seriously powerful deep tissue thai massage therapist. We call her the Princess of Pain. My grumpy old father who refuses to hug any of us not only allowed her to touch his head but massage various painful points on his face.

It was then I witnessed the miracle. 

He smiled instead of scowled. His face looked lighter and younger. He recounted funny stories from his childhood. He actually laughed - a sound I have not heard for decades. And he shared tales of my own birth with my children in the kindest most loving way I've never heard before. He and my mother divorced when I was 20 after a childhood of drama. Every memory of mine is filled with their war zone antics and it has been their relationship model that has haunted me my whole life. 

So you can imagine my surprise when I hear dear old dad speak of my mother in such loving glowing tones.

So I now question our perception as the divining rod in life. Have I painted a character and subsequent relationship portrait in certain colours based on behaviours ultimately driven by underlying unknown health issues?  Has my fathers demeanour and behaviour been influenced and coloured by an overwhelming long term pattern of survival pain? 

I wonder about how we judge others and we then therefore create these value structures in ourselves accordingly. I question the beliefs that we collect throughout our lives as factual. They can very easily be simply perceptions coloured by judgement - in short only one tiny part of a big picture.

I do not expect life or anyone in my life to be perfect. Of course to contrast I'm constantly working it out as I go along, I am the ultimate work in progress haha! :) I do believe however that we can have a relationship with pretty much anyone with shared values as long as the foundation to the structure of ourselves is sound. I think that I realise more and more though that my foundation in my twenties was based on the actions of a girl who had no idea what she wanted or who she was, who, in order to survive, simply made it up as she went along without truly considering the underlying structure driving the creation of her life. I was consistent in my efforts to prove that I was a better person than my parents and therefore was willing to tolerate more shit than you could imagine as a result of this misguided driving force in my life. 

So it's not about the person I perceive I'm in these relationships with. It's about my perception of the foundation of the relationship and the probability of being able to change the entire structure while still connected to that same person.

Thanks Dad for giving me much to consider x

Little Voice

In one moment of doubt, that tiny suppressed little voice jolts me out of my daydream and whispers about things I believe about myself

I'm not good enough

There is something wrong with me

I don't deserve anything good.

I leave myself open to being betrayed when I love

I don't have the ability to succeed in life

I am bad

I cannot be trusted

One day people will discover that I am a fraud.

I listen. I nod. I agree. Then I argue. Then I put that little voice back in her box where she belongs.

The Tale of the Pissing Lemmings

There are several layers of story in this particular tale and the media beat up was closer to a tampon ad than actual truth. For so very many reasons. public comment was not an option for us at the time. Suffice to say several neighbours in our street experienced similar horrors and police and ambulance were very busy that night so we were not the sole victims of some random incident. We were merely the more convenient poster children.

The next day was spent in lockdown trying to catch up on sleep after being in the ER for hours, desperately attempting to recover, continuing to work to crushing looming festival deadlines in the face of a chaotic and disturbing media circus. Our son dealt with reporters from 7am as they stalked and threatened and broke into our home and office with stealth and determination. That experience alone is a greater more compelling tale. And yes they continue to stalk us even now sniffing a story to leverage for whatever their latest agenda needs.

After another visit to the ER later that day for a suspected brain bleed was conducted as if we were the perpetrators trying to escape the prying eyes of the media. My husband took a serious beating and is still recovering. An unworldly Herculean strength took hold of me and somehow I was able to hold four men off with my broom stick saving him from being kicked in the head and suffering far more serious injuries.

It's a crazy funny vision - me being the ultimate witch using my broom stick for good instead of evil. I can laugh at it uncomfortably now weeks later however at the time I was bused myself with terror.

But when I consider these events closely I cannot find any good humour and simply shake my head in horror gleaning the real tragedy here. Mob mentality ruled and amid jeers of "kick her she's a blues supporter" to "It's Tony Abbots fault that we lost - just kill them" , hundreds of people witnessed us being attacked and none came to help. I've never been so ashamed of the human race.

Many of you know that I have crafted the public legend of the Pissing Lemmings as one lighter strategy to mitigate a long term ongoing dangerous situation that we residents have been managing on our own despite repeated requests for assistance from authorities. There are many elderly neighbours in our street who are terrified and no longer feel safe in their own homes. And why? No invading foreign army. No alien invasion. No state of emergency. Just mobs of Humans just like you and me who are so disconnected from nature that they behave like actual animals.

Cancel every public event. Place 100 police on every street corner. Close every hotel and bar. Instigate prohibition on alcohol. It would make no difference. This is not about alcohol or league fans or lack of funding for police resource but watch how this story will be manipulated for all those agendas. This experience demonstrates our unfortunate current social culture. I witness atrocities on social media daily. Ordinary everyday people expressing violence in the same manner. Instead of physically urinating on the home of another and exploding into violence when asked to stop they are mentally and emotionally defecating and exploding on the virtual space of others.  

The dark moon on Wednesday night 28 April 2014 was a powerful one. A time when there is no solar reflection of the moon and in this dark phase allegedly posing an energetic influence not unlike a seed laying dormant under the snow just waiting to burst forth in the spring melt. Ironically I was scheduled to attend a Dark Moon circle at Palm Beach that night however due to a relentless festival workload I had to remain at home and work late.

I feel quite literally woken up. I feel as if the seed laying dormant has bloomed into the tallest strongest oak tree that no one can possibly cut down. 

Those animals masquerading as humans have families, jobs, lives and are loved by their parents, partners and children. They are the face of US when we lose our connection to the light that connects us to each other. So many things in our current culture quest to divide us instead of connect. This sense of entitlement is seeping through our society on every level. When we focus on our own needs without even a thought for another, we become our own version of the pissing lemming. When I telephone the Brisbane City Council and complain about being fined for parking in my own front yard and lose my shit at the poor man taking the call who later tells me that he gets death threats just for doing his job then in that moment I am that same pissing lemming. My indignation about what I believe I'm entitled to disconnects me from reason and I unleash a mouthful of well articulated degradation and I contribute to the stress experienced by this employee simply following the process and doing his job. Who knows if my words won't be the straw that gives him a heart attack one day?

This same sense of entitlement causes people I would normally consider sane and intelligent into raving political commentators.

How did we get to this place where our behaviour is so disrespectful of the humanity of each other?

After the game, we neighbours took our positions as usual, to ensure the safety of residents walking back to their homes through the marauding pissing lemmings. Our hose was destroyed by the tradesman building our fence that morning. Something told me to hold a broom and just sweep the driveway until the lemmings left the area.

That broom saved my husbands life.

Prepare

Local community connections build relationships and networks that work together when needed like the physical body works together. Volunteering is important for everyone to do on a regular basis to train in an alternative structure to meet people outside your culture and value system to learn how to build a team regardless and to function under ineffective management and incomplete systems and poor processes. This way when a disaster hits you have developed the skills to do what is needed in a crisis. 2011 Brisbane floods mud army. 2012 hurricane sandy. Here is Australia we have bush fires floods cyclones annually. We don't face these alone. The local volunteer SES are vital in our survival and recovery. 

When you see international events like hurricane Katrina Fukushima Tsunami Typhoon Haiyan the great challenges are the delay in getting aid to those who need it as geography and destruction of infrastructure and death of so many including local volunteers that there is no easy way to coordinate help immediately. This happens the same way in our bodies. 

So if the best way to prepare for a crisis on earth is to connect and understand resource management build communities skill up on survival strategies and think global by acting local as a life practice a way of life then a similar approach to health like diet exercise network chiropractic and reorganisational healing of mind body emotions soul would be effective. Right?

The thing about a garden

The thing about a garden is multi dimensional and more often than not  about something totally foreign to traditional gardening. My grandparents were farmers and then in retirement gardeners. We stayed with them for a couple of years when I was a little girl. Each morning my Poppie would take me out in the back garden and would teach me the names of all the vegetables and herbs that he had planted and together we would water weed and harvest. The garden lay snugly under al large macadamia tree and was surrounded by a fence hanging with flowers and berries. In the afternoons my Grandma would take me through her garden and teach me the names of she flowers and shrubs, MIllie was all about beauty and Roy was all about function. 

Grandma has a tale relating to the people in her life to tell with each plant she introduced me to and Poppie regaled me with the general history of each plant. Each growing entity held a different meaning to each of my grandparents. It wasn't a garden it was a history lesson and a photo album and a story book of fairy tales and mythologies.

Now sitting in the Sound Garden 30 seconds away from my office I see profit and loss, marketing campaigns, economic structure, edifices of civilisation, human resource program's and market cycles. 

Without a constant strong connection to nature, it is all too easy to get caught up in the day to day ebb and flow of business. All it takes is five minutes to water and weed and harvest and I reconnect myself back to my big picture plan. I remember the cycles. I recall my vision. I reintegrate my goals and I recollect my courage and faith in myself to keep moving forward towards them. 

Imagine if every business had a garden - even just a couple of pot plants - to reconnect their teams back into the nature of what they are of there on the first place.

Weeds

Knowing nothing about a garden and wanting it done quickly I planted small plants without laying lime to balance pH, rocks, compost, fertiliser and straw. I wanted a fast quick fix. I wanted a sugar hit. So naturally of course some plants thrived and some died with plenty of weeds growing in the spaces between the plants. As the soil was healthy it also attracted weeds to grow. Now I have to spend more time digging weeding and fertilising and it is more challenging doing that around the plants than if I had laid a strong deep considered foundation from the beginning.

When I started my business 25 years ago I really knew nothing about business. I had performed my whole life as a singer and musician and apart two short stints working in the shop of my parents Shell Service Station on weekends and then for the Commonweal Bank as a teller and clerk, I had only ever worked in the music industry. I began to play piano at the age of three, from the age of eight was playing for the school morning assemblies, church organ on the weekends and singing, composing, arranging and directing the school and church choirs. My business knowledge was limited yet my desire to create a new option for performers in Queensland was stronger. I wanted it set up as quickly as possible so launched straight into it without systems or adequate knowledge. I winged it with hard work and determination. 

Very quickly weeds grew in the fertile soil of our business and we experienced many challenges that perhaps could have been avoided if we had installed deeper foundations in the first place. After 25 years we are still attracting those me weeds. Why? 

The basic alignments of values of true two business directors seem to be vastly at odds. Are they really or is my perception tainted by the culture from my parents in their own unique vision of relationship? Probably. Definitely. Maybe. 

I as a director have this opportunity to reframe my perceptions of my past to rewrite my own story of story. I am just as loved and wanted and believed in by my parents. They recognised my talents for organisation and gave me free reign. They felt no need to protect me as t hey trusted that I had an intelligence that could manage challenges well. I was left alone by the pedophile priests and I created projects and systems from a very young age. I was nurtured as a leader and a visionary by them. Hazel, Ron, Jenny, Eric, John, Michael, Millie and Kathleen all loved and valued me for being me without any changes. So have my kids and my friends. If I allow my old story to run my life then I devalue their love.

My professional team see my strength and vision and support that. My personal team see my heart and value that. I have been grown in two garden beds my entire life. I have opportunities that few have end from an early age and this will never stop.

What I need is time did space to heal physically and emotionally without being bound by obligation and criticism and ridicule and judgement. 

Wow so much to work on here 

Pests

When a garden soil is lacking in a certain nutrient it will attract pests that provide that in their excrement. 

Every pest highlights the void and lack in the garden so provides valuable feedback for ways to balance it and bring it to maximum growth potential.

With every business it will attract pesty customers and suppliers that provide what is missing in the same way. A supplier who doesn't understand how to read a contract or statement provides an opportunity for staff to learn how to explain in a user friendly layman terminology. Then the business can provide reference education and development opportunities in their systems to cater for this need. Some used in customer service, some as free promotional tools and then some to be sold as products.

Every pest is an opportunity for growth.

Anger

Yesterday we were jolted out of our busy ness by a loud violent exchange on the street just outside our office. A group of school kids were fighting. One of us stepped in and pulled them apart as the teachers run up to intervene. Whatever tensions were building inside, between or around these kids were expressed and given the opportunity to be released. Heated exchanges, threatening abusive words and violent physical punches created the classroom lesson for the day - for our business team, the neighbours and both the schools at the bottom of the street.

We all feel anger and we all have a need to express our rage. This is our nature. What strategies can we put in place to facilitate this expression?

This is less about the kids and more about all of us. This is feedback for a world in transition in a cycle of create and destroy.

Law suits, community groups, political lobbyists can easily leverage this experience to capitalise on a social issue. Through the ages at no time has this not been expressed or experienced. It is our nature.

Better out than in - that's what my Grandma always said. Get it out. Feel it. Say it. Let it out. Be listened to without judgement criticism or ridicule. Appreciate the expression form and teach our children how to be effective resource managers with their own shit so they can utilise it in their lives without shame. Lopsided perspectives where there is a victim a perpetrator and a hero room the basis of our heroes journey mythology and is the key to our function as consumers. 

If we teach our kids how to process their own nature imagine - if they could learn to use their power for good instead of evil :) - woe imagine what the could achieve.