We Three Kings

My daughter gave birth to her first child in December last year. It was a time of uncertainty and trauma. Afterwards I couldn't quite get myself back to having any sort of energy at all. So my life got very small as I rested at home trying to re energise.

My throat got very sore in January and my usual tricks of Olive Leaf Extract and Garlic didnt help.

My DR ordered a Thyroid Ultrasound and three large lumps were found. I had a biopsy the following week and received the diagnosis of atypical follicular neoplasm category 4. A twist of fate and a leading Endocrine Surgeon had a cancellation in two hours and by 6.30pm that same night I was seen and evaluated and booked in for a partial thyroidectomy for the folllowing Tuesday.

I was told that I had no option other than surgery. I was told that they would not know what level of cancer it was until it was removed. It may be benign. It may be a multi nodal goiter or it may be a carcinoma. I had no option but to play a waiting game for six long weeks after the operation.

I was in total shock. I have lived a healthy lifestyle for years yet have struggled with energy for a while. I felt angry. I felt scared. I felt empty. I felt conflicted. I'm a major advocate for natural health so the thought of having an operation and being dependent on medication for the rest of my life was horrific to say the least.

My resolve however was to feel determined and optimistic and confident.

So those three tumors had to change form for me. They became a reflection of the three stars in the belt of Orion. I tuned in and decided that they were giving me wisdom like three kings of the orient. I decided that this experience had to be my calling card for great change. I wanted those three stars to lead me out of the darkness I had lived in for years. I had planned to live until least 100 years old and I wasn't prepared to give up that plan. All of a sudden I didn't have potential, I had an ending in sight. All of a sudden I faced what we all ultimately face. Our mortality. Noooo!!!!! I felt so strongly that I had so much more to contribute like I hadn't even really started yet. How could it end now? No! This wasn't my story. Sorry. Fuck you God - This isn't my Story!

I had more grandchildren to meet. I intended to watch my three sons get married and nagged to death by their wives. I planned on watching my four children grow into middle age and live through all the challenges of having a family. I wanted to live. I wanted to love. And I didn't feel as if I had finished yet.

The mental anguish was overwhelming. I had to keep myself distracted otherwise I would dissolve into tears with a fear in the pit of my stomach that I would die soon. What total insanity! It became impossible to exist as I was in a vacuum.

Then I had a major realization.

From the minute that we are born, it is guaranteed that we will die. We will all die. Every single one of us. That is guaranteed. I will die. One day. But I don't want that day to be now. I am not ready.

If I will die anyway one day then why worry about when that would be? Why wouldn't I live the best life I could live while I'm still here?

Right. I set off on my plan for my future no matter how short it may be. I put together a plan for full recovery with a team of Network Chiropractors, Massage Therapist, Naturopath, Holistic GP as well as my wonderful friends who were scattered across the entire planet for guide me through emotional aspect of this whole experience.

Anytime I felt like I could no longer be me, I phoned a strategic friend to talk me out of my crazy. After all, how does a control freak control the uncontrollable?

The day of the operation arrived and as they wheeled me into theater I was singing Martika's pop song "Thy Will Be Done." to myself. One by one everyone in the theater from the Doctors to the Guy wheeling me in began to sing along. That's what I heard as I went under.

Recovery was tough. I don't take medication so my body struggled with all the chemicals in its systems. I could speak straight away yet my singing voice took months to return. We met with the Surgeon at our designated six weeks and he looked me straight in the eye and delivered the news that the three wise men trapped in my thyroid were benign. "We probably didn't need to operate." he said.

The me that I couldn't be for the past seven weeks returned to earth with a resounding thump!

So what happened? 

How did I get here? 

Quite simply my energy for life disappeared. It trickled out of me slowly but surely like a slow leak in your kitchen sink. 

Why? 

Because I wasn't following my heart. I wasn't' enjoying what I was doing. I was caught up in the dramas of the projects that I was managing and I forgot who I was. I forgot WHY I was. I forgot.

Am I ok now? All the data says yes I am. How do I feel? Like it would be so very easy to sink back into that void of nothingness where I lived for such a long time.

What can I do to prevent it from happening again? I do not know for sure but if definitely feels like the only way for me to live my life from this point is to follow my own heart in everything that I do.

I have been given another chance.

There but for the Grace of God go I. x

Terrestrial Intention

Silent sentinel I stand in a world that holds endless species of light.
I am Surya driving through the heavens.
You look up and imagine that you see a golden orb.
This sun is merely your own reflection.
It is your own heart.
It is your own light.
The light you seek is within you.
The light you seek is within me.
The sky of the old order fell when a bird was knocked from his perch and the deluge destroyed the people of the wood.

The sky of the new world could only be raised by an act of sacrifice.
I was the cosmic sacrifice.
I am earth and air and water.
I am fire – I burn my own wood.
I am Yggdrasil and I am the axis between worlds.
A world clock ticking endlessly: sometimes my breath is tired and rusty.
My breath can cut you as your language can kill souls.
I watch as another world rests within my bones, unseen and untouched by your kind.
I am a gateway, a lighthouse to others, a communicator for the between.
Like you.
You are the spiritual internet.
Like me.
I am both directed and yet directionless.
There is a hidden door – come closer you will see as no other can.
Enter.
Open.
There is nowhere else to go but here – yet here is everywhere.
I am Thor’s Oak. Bonafcius did not fell me but my purpose was all in the telling of his tale.
I am a wet nurse for your race, watching and supervising and protecting – you have no concept yet of how I keep you safe.
The Olympic rings were originally cut from my body symbolising the rings of truth that protect you from danger.
I am Sekhmet and I protect the land, destroying enemies with arrows of fire.
Yes I have committed crimes in the eyes of many yet I am remorseless.
I have carved death on many faces.
Sometimes death has as much a purpose as life.
You too have killed as much as you have birthed.
This is life.
I am Yax Imix Cheand, I am abundance raised in the middle of the world.
I raised the sky and I birthed what you see is the sun.
Watch me; watch how my roots are sent deep into this earth.
The deeper you root yourself the easier you will bend, ebb and flow with the tides of your time.
Like your heart, this earth upon which you walk, is kept alive by me for I hold its terrestrial intention.
This intention is a submission to the point of resistance.
I am Sól and I count the years of man.
Every particle of mine is a book in a library far reaching beyond your wildest imagination.
I am every case study you will ever need.
I am every page every written.
I am every scientific experiment ever conducted.
There is a frequency that I hold upon which this earth was formed.
A frequency that beats your very own heart.
I am Helios driving my chariot across the sky.
My faith in the magnetic force and my trust in the safety of the flow hold me firm in a constant evolution of tension oscillation.
I am Ain Soph Aur, the tree of life – without end and with light.
When I bend, I am stretching and expanding – creating more space in this illusion while contracting and nesting.
I am Freyr, the Maypole, and the phalloi that Isis could not find.
My colours are crafted in the dramas of birth and death in this forest.
My leaves grow without any thought from me.
Your heart loves without any thought from you.
It is not possible for either of us to ever be alone.
I am a circle, a never-ending line, keeping and standing where you left me so long ago.
I am Lugh and I hold all contracts written of this world.
If I so choose I can fade like a ghost and vanish. No one will ever know I was ever here.
But this will not end my life as I will live on through another seed, another pod, another root system, branching out and merging with more light.
I can be whatever I choose just like you.
You and I – we share a molecular structure so refined and complex yet so basic and simple.
Your digital world and formless currency are frequencies crafted and released by my leaves.
I am Kuker and my coarse and speckled bark forms part of my horned mask.
My reptilian skin is just one coat – just one aspect.
Every leaf that I lose is my gift to the earth.
It joins me at the base – never lost – only re engineered.
Every person that you lose from your life is your gift to humanity.
They are never lost always reappearing in another face in another time.
I am Ra and I command the sky, earth and the underworld.
Standing tall under Mintaka, his pulse is felt in my roots.
You were born under this star forever in between, in the middle of the two.
You are destined to strip my bark, shatter my myths and stand in between.
With one foot in both worlds you stand under Mintaka’s power.
Beings of light are the only words you can understand and they are around you now – watching and prodding without you even being aware.
Their home is here – not some far away planet.
The planets you see in the night sky are not real; they are your reflections – your hearts, minds, souls and bodies.
The organs in your body are the planets.
What you are seeing is a grand illusion.
When they said that God created the world in seven days, they were talking about you.
The stars that you see in the night sky are not real; they are your reflections – thoughts, feelings, purpose and intentions.
Your star burns bright.
Stand tall.

These words were written after a long conversation with a very ancient gum tree in Barkers Vale NSW on 23 April 2007.

The Soundtrack Of My Life

Our memories connect themselves to the music that was playing in those moments. Collections of moments that string together a symphony for our lives.

Waterfalls reminds me of my dear Uncle John.
Who let the Dogs Out takes me back to my first time in LA - dirty filty horrible place that it was.
Defying Gravity transports me into Central Park in New York.
Anything by Nickelback and I'm back into a melancholy past relationship.
The moan of Evanessence and I translate a catalog of pissed off chick moments.
System of A down  - Aerials - and I'm considering Life's many conspiracy theories. 
If I want my body to feel healthy anything by Bach or Beethoven achieves that.
Stand out moment in New York was at Carnegie Hall watching the Boston Symphony Orchestra perform Beethoven's 6th and 7th Symphonies. 
My son Sam reminded me of the beauty of classical music in his obsession to play fur Elise note perfect. 
I gigged for many years and sang thousands of songs yet the only song that truly takes me back to those days is anything from Manhattan Transfer. Weird because I was primarily the rock chick.
Two Fat Ladies sung by Noni Hazelhurst and I'm a young mama with four babies.
Video Killed The Radio Star takes me back to the full on decade of gigs for TAJA and LEXIE where our whole family lived the journey with them in the rehearsal room, recording studio and stage.
Happy by LEXIE and I'm at my daughter's wedding and I remember how proud I am of my brood.

Toto Africa reminds me of my first honeymoon. 
Bryan Adams Everything I Do reminds me of my second. 
Traditional Turkish and Middle Eastern music sets my soul on fire. 
Pavarotti singing Puccini take me back to Florence. 
The Killers return me to Covent Garden in London.
Anything by Queen and ELO and I'm 12 again and singing under my paren'ts house into a brush.
Kate Bush and I'm that beautiful muse inspiring songs and recordings and all the stuff that goes into your first album.
The Pogues transport me back to Dublin.
It Feels LIke Xmas from the Muppets and I'm in the Christmas Spirit! 


All I need is music and I'm back in those moments.

I Can't Wait

I used to say to myself 

"I can't wait until they sleep through." 
then 
"I can't wait until they start solids." 
Then 
"I can't wait until they start crawling/walking." 
Then
" I can't wait until they start school." 
Then
"I can't wait until they can drive."
Then
"I can't wait until they go to Uni."
Then
"I can't wait until they leave home so I can get my house back."

In what seems like five minutes, UNI is done, they have moved out and you are living in a house that seems like a bit of a ghost town with imprints of all these memories in every room and you think to yourself:

"I can't wait until they visit." 

It goes by so very fast. 
It's one blink in one eye.
It's the best experience you can ever have and the greatest job EVER!!! xxx

Screen Time

Last night as we went to bed I couldn't help but notice a rather disturbing habit. My husband and I dressed in our PJs, sitting up in bed looking at our phones. Occasionally changing it up to look at my IPad as well.

So I switched both my screens off and read a book. Opening up the doors to the bedroom I perched myself outside on an old wooden bench to read my book under the stars. And as I looked up I saw the most magnificient screen ever created. :-)

Sigh. My whole body just relaxed and let go.

Out under the stars, with a slight breeze whispering through the tall avocado tree on my left and the new fresh leaved Mulberry tree on my right, I began to feel connected. Connected to Nature, connected to my life and connected back to me - my own heart.

I sat out there for a couple of hours just swooning under the moonlight and drowning in the deliciousness of my book. It was pure bliss.

And then it was morning and the first thing we both did was check our phones. I noted that this actually took a good 30 minutes of our precious time that we could have spent together doing other things. :-) During this time, 6.30 am, work emails flowed through and with catch up of international news on Google News and then a few rounds of my Facebook feed and it was 7am before I knew it.

We showered and dressed and I swear if there was a TV screen in our bathroom we would have watched it. Upstairs for breakfast and update before the work day begins and then we go our separate ways.

He in his car to the office where he will field 20 phone calls on the way. Me to start mine by you guessed it switching on the TV as I finish my makeup - a mindless activity that I've grown accustomed to doing in front of the big screen each day to multi task. 

Yet today I felt quite antsy and couldn't settle down to sit in front of yet another fake screen of reality. 

So I took myself out on the deck and looked out over our backyard where my mind had nothing to do but soak in the view of the mountains to my west and the Jacarandas to my east. Sigh. I felt my body slip into ease and my schlumpy shoulders arched and straightened in relief.

I thought to myself ' I have to walk away from this beauty and peace and go and sit in my office for the next eight hours in front of another fake screen." "In seemingly foreign lands, I have to navigate my way through the quagmire of HAVE TO emails and wade through everyone else's emergencies. Me and that fake screen of unreality."

I couldn't do it. Instead I walked downstairs and out the back and sat in amongst the tomatoes and the zucchinis in my vegie patch and dug my bare feet deep into the rich dark soil. I brushed the tops of the tall sturdy rosemary bushes and inhaled the wispy lavender that lined the path to my clothes line. I spent time unravelling the new Jasmine fronds heavy with new flowers rich with scent that wound their way around the bay tree nearby.

My heart longed to hop in the car and drive to the bush close to my house so I could breathe in the eucalyptus and rub my face against its bark. It craved the crisp thin air at the top of a mountain looking down on the farms and valleys below worn by weather in its shadow. It begged me to drive to the ocean and sit on the cool white sand watching the green and white curls ebbing, flowing and smashing in turn on the beach. It dreamed of a childhood spent in red soil and parched plains under a hot unforgiving desert sun. 

But as much as I love listening to my heart, there is work to be done today and every day. And I wondered how many other people get so used to their daily screen time that they forget about the real screen that waits for them outside? How many other people get so used to the illusory connection on line that they forget what it feels like to be connected back to nature, back to life and back to their own hearts?

So from this moment, I made a plan - my screen time was to be scheduled to be balanced between the reality of my fake work screen and my REAL screen - which is just outside my door. A screen that won't hurt my eyes, isn't radioactive and reconnects me to my soul. 

How will my work life cope with such an inconvenience I ponder?

Namaste. x

Your Reflection

It's time for you to tune into the reflection of you- your nature - through the external mirror of nature the world around you according to the perception and the meaning you allocate.

Go outside to a place where you feel connected. To a place where the universe flows through you and you feel like you are a part of everything.

Collect 7 items that you feel drawn to. Don't question. Note the order in which you collect

Describe in detail each item
Tune into the description and articulate the significance for your story right now. Then note what the message is from each item.

Each item will relate to each area of life.

Finance where you value earn save create cushions invest and risk external resource

Physical where you do the same internally and around you

Knowledge where you collect information that influences internally what you create and express

Community where you influence externally build connections like bridges to feed business and relationship

Business the vehicle for external relationships where you serve in the value of resource internal and external utilizing the value of ur internal and external communication and connection

Relationships where you connect mirror and serve internally

Spiritual the structure of your beliefs your perceptions and your stories that fuel all of the above experiences in resource connection and communication

everything is
Exchange
Trade
Currency


Aristotle noted how our perceptions of our nature was a reflection of the nature all around us and the structures we put into place and subsequent behaviors that followed were based on this hermetic principle. As without so within. As above so below.

We can google anything these days. Information about all the how tos of business, marketing, finance, relationship, community, education, health and belief structures is freely available for all.

We can craft a vision of what we desire in our lives we can set up the fantasy of this vision and we have access to every single action step that is required to make that fantasy a reality. Yet time and time again the oscillation of the stories that we identify with hook us into behavioral patterns that are strategically buried so deep that we no longer consciously know which story is driving which behavior or perception.

The higher part of us expertly creates external circumstances to give us the opportunity to rewrite these old stories. So like Joseph campbells Heros journey our stories give us opportunity to face dragons cross thresholds and follow calls to action.

Some stories like health or finance the resource in our lives for without either it is challenging to move out of mazlows survival part of the pyramid, these stories are powered with urgency and propel us out of the much coveted love tos that new age culture indoctrinates us about into have tos.

Before enlightenment chopping wood carrying water
After enlightenment chopping wood carrying water

Imagine our body without all it's systems? One big blob of jelly. I imagine that that is us when we face our dragons and our stories. We cant function. We focus on the pain perception of what we think we know of our stories and we forget about the ease. We still have to chop wood so this is the time to put a structure in place.

We can judge anything as good or bad yet they are simply all structures designed to provide certainty significance growth variety comfort safety -  everything that is deemed healthy and sensible can be gained by every experience.

Conservation of all traits and dynamics

So we while we face the dragons of old stories and rewrite footprints in the sand we still have to chop wood and carry water.

Know what's important to you
Link the benefits of the action steps required to get you from fantasy to reality to what's important to you.

The stories that you market on the surface will not be the driving forces behind the choices you make in the action that you take. They are the camouflage. When we blame others we are the child in our own story. When a story about other people is told again and again this feedback that the story is based on perception of an experience between birth and eight years of age.

We will always have a story told by our child. Conserved. Child like wonder is one story. Innocence in no sense in no judgement.

Shame is feedback for an important story. We measure ourself against someone else's standards values and ultimately story.

Shame and Blame hold much power. That's power we can use to fuel our action steps.

So this is our process

What do we perceive that we value now
What is the vision for our life
What is the action that we need to take
What are the oscillating stories that stop our action
What are the advancing stories that fuel our action
Create a structure to chop wood and carry water while we face the dragons of our stories to dissolve shame and blame and transform oscillations into advancement all the while valuing and appreciating that oscillations are important functions of everything in nature.

 We keep telling it and maintain our behavior accordingly then we don't dissolve that shame. It continues to run our lives. It holds it's power. Yet if we trust ourselves enough to be stripped bare

Here and Earthed

That old pattern is stubborn and determined and holding on through gritted teeth.

Yet when I'm not here, it slowly lets go of me one gnarled finger at a time until I feel free from its grasp.

I am here and earthed.
My being merges with the water earth and air of NYC. 

I am imprinted here.
Beauty even in the slime of the human debris that overflows.

The razor sharp light slices through the protective fat suit and sets me free.
Here and earthed..... my real life awaits me.

Ugh I don't like this Mirror

From a purely scientific observational perspective I seek the catalyst for me opening to be so vulnerable and falling in love in fascination when I feel seen and considered. I lose my sense and logic and get caught in my own fantasy. The connection I feel is to myself via the mirror of another. Somehow I tune into some frequency and I feel so safe so loved so seen so appreciated so healthy so alive in the presence of another. 

I don't understand how it happens. I would love to slow down the process to identify the hook that loops me into this fantasy where I lose time and space so easily. 

If I want to listen to B105 I tune into a specific frequency then I hear it. What factors lead me to tuning into the frequency of another and why? Why did I put myself in that frequency? If I can trust my higher self I know there will always be a good reason always be a benefit directly and indirectly.

Therefore the Grand Canyon grooves for me - the old pattern that water continues to gravitate to run through - is not to be valued. I get Infatuated at first then I feel resented. Coveted with the "what a shame she is fat" feedback then creating dependency leading to resentment . 

But that isn't the whole story of my grand canyon groove. 

See where it is opposite then see what the others groove is. We always attract each other it's not me doing everything it's a team effort. Where am I loved and admired and thought of as beautiful? 

Wise wise woman. 

Yes. 

I wonder if through our senses we will ALWAYS feel both wanted as well as rejected. I think of guys I thought were stalkers and feel as if they were also feeling the same as me in this observation. I dismissed them as I was afraid of being wanted where it was outside of m control. 

Ooh great questions. 

I feel like with another's love and appreciation I was fueled and I could conquer the world. 

Feeling so loved and seen in his presence gave me confidence. I felt my own power like I could do anything. I felt like I was finally being seen and that meant I had added strength to share my message with the world. Without him I feel like I made up my whole experience like it wasn't even real and therefore I am boring workaholic stressed girl with no energy for life again just dragging myself thru the haze of endless work with no sign it will end and nothing to look forward to other than more of the same. 

I'm crying now I said it out loud.

Our goals and visions are like chalk and cheese outside of business.  

That's it. 

In one mirror I shine. 

In the other I have no reflection. 

I'm rebuilding from the inside out.

The Cause The Effect and The Wish

A major life change at the end of 2006 saw me close off a rather large slice of my heart and say goodbye to a great many of my dreams. At the same time, I saw the value in parts of my life that I was about to walk away from and the two experiences came together and life went on.

Little by little I broke down all the reflections of myself that I despised. The mirrors were stark and unpleasant. But I kept looking and maintained my gaze.

However in the process, I allowed guilt and shame to direct my life choices and I lost myself in the sea of change. The energy drained out of me not as one gulping wave but tiny little swirls over the ensuing years.

I chose this path. It was my decision.

I don't regret it however looking back I can see how I forgot to honour and factor myself into my own life.

So I guess now I have that opportunity. A silver lining to a grey cloud. :-)

 I did this consciously for I believed that I had no value, that I was a bad mother and that I should suck it up and make the best of it instead. I surrendered to my prison and felt like I had no other options. Work became the priority and keeping up with those demands – business and house and life – to minimise the criticism and stress – was my focus. I had a thriving Business Coaching career. I was writing for several magazines and was being invited to speak at various events. I was travelling on my own and setting up global networks for business and friendship alike. And I have bit by bit closed the door on everything that I created and that lived inside of my heart. I didn’t have the energy to keep fighting to maintain ME while serving others so I closed the doors and just surrendered. 

But being candid here I CHOSE to surrender. I CHOSE to submit in my full feminine to the masculine because I wanted to feel more like a woman and less like the man who HAD TO MAKE EVERYTHING happen. And I have felt that most definitely. In December 2006, my heart splintered and I vowed to never again allow another person in to see that part of me that was ME. And I haven’t. I have developed a workable relationship with a different kind of love. My heart and my soul have been squirreled away so I can just keep up with the workload.

I did this to myself.

When I look into my future I see nothing but darkness. I no longer have the purpose that I had. I feel nothing – no connection to that old me that old vision. I have no idea what I’m headed towards and nothing in my heart to desire the way I should. It is a big thing to admit but I think that part of this exhaustion and illness is all about how I have been living my life since 2007. I don’t feel alive. I feel mostly dead. I want to change that. I CHOOSE TO CHANGE THAT.

And so I have begun searching for what that may be.

But finding nothing.

So I've decided to give up the search.

I've decided instead to simple BE open to whatever comes to me. Be open to faith in life and in myself that my purpose cannot be forced that it will reveal itself to me when I am ready to receive it. Imagine a control freak not actively participating in her own purpose – shocking right? But if I’m to survive and thrive and live until I’m 120 years of age, then I see no other way to be right now THAN to be open and with faith and trust.

Things I’m noting are all the times that my heart has felt like it is on fire:

A sunset over the ocean.

A sunrise in the bush.

That wind you feel in May late in the evening in George Street in the city when it is fresh and crisp and comforting.

And then the wind you feel in September late in the evening in the very same famous wind tunnel when it feels exciting and new like something beautiful is coming your way.

Holding Archie.

Talking to him about the trees and telling him to listen to their chatter.

Anytime I travel – New York, Italy, London, France, Ireland, Nepal – where I arrive in a foreign place yet see myself in the reflections of the faces around me.

Reading a book that takes me to another time and land where my heart carries the adventure with me for the next few weeks.

Listening to Beethoven and remembering when Sam and I watched the Boston Symphony Orchestra in Carnegie Hall together.

Eating healthy fresh Italian food and remembering when Nik and I sampled antipasti in Eataly in New York most days together.

Drinking Italian red wine and remembering when Tim and I visited all these wineries together in the Napa Valley when we visited San Francisco for his 21^st birthday.

Playing Yahtzee and remembering the six weeks Alex and I played Yahtzee daily while waiting for Archie to arrive.

Sitting outside in the bush just as the sun is going down feeling surrounded by dark green, listening to the distant moos of cows, the cooing of the birds as they find their nest for the night, feeling the cool of the evening invite itself into my body and remembering the twittering of Mille and Aggie chuckling with each other as they prepare the evening meal in the tiny kitchen at Cross Street.

Anytime I visit my aunt's house, I climb into bed and feel as if I am a baby being cuddled and I feel safe and loved and welcomed.

So my task is simple. Do something every day that fills my heart with fire. Surround myself with whatever I need to do that. Plan activities to fire my heart every year. Wake up in the morning with my heart craving the adventure of the day instead of dreading the stresses that are out of my control but attributed to me regardless of what I do. Finding the value in the years since 2007 and feeling the silver linings in my heart in gratitude for the experiences that brought me here to this very moment where I remembered my heart and made a commitment to include it in my life again.

Flow

River river where do you flow? 

Give me a clue. 

Which direction is the best flow? 

I search your waters in hope of an answer and yet you seem to flow in all directions. 

Undercurrents, side streams, up the river, across the river bank and out to sea. 

All I ask is for you to point me in the right direction and you respond pretty clearly. 

Each flow each direction has a purpose even if it feels like I am swimming upstream. 

Dear river you seem to be at peace in all directions. 

We Are We Are Not

We are not the experience. 

We are the consciousness experiencing the experience

I am who I am because of you

Forty months of my life have been dedicated to sharing my body with each of you at a time. There is no comparable beauty or honour than while carrying a child. The fierce mother tigress emerged then protecting her growing belly at all costs. Then I met you – each in different ways and times – and it was as if you had been with me all the time. Alex, you emerged one day early and looked directly at me with calm focus – locking eyes with full expectation that together we had a job to do. I almost heard you say: “Right there you are. Come on let’s get started!” I was so young and so terrified and you expertly trained me out of being such a scared little girl into a capable strong mother. Tim, you cried leaving the comfort behind three weeks late yet stopped as soon as I put you under my chin snuggling in comfort and melting my heart. Sam, you surfaced two days late, arms and legs flapping around, eager to take on the world and start straight away – now!!! Niko, disembarking two weeks late, and like your sister before you, calmly emerged and directly engaged me with your peaceful determination. I continue to be amazed that your personalities have remained constant since the very first moment that we each met. I received a card from my cousin, Ben, upon Alex’s birth and it said “Life as you know it is over.” That bloody card haunted me for years as I was terrified that I would be true. Guess what? It was. Endless sleepless nights walking the floor while you screamed in pain or frustration or plain exhaustion. The nightly five o’clock danger zone where the only relief was walking the pram through the neighbourhood for hours. The desperate midnight car rides. My mother had a bag packed, pillows, doonas and PJs in her car for years ready to drive over as the relief team whenever the call went out. Raising each of you has been a team effort. Grandparents, cousins, neighbours, friends – there has always been an open arm willing to juggle and share. It does take a whole village to raise a child. Together we passed on clothes, toys, books, cots, prams and most importantly courage. You four will do the same with each other when the time comes. I have been spewed on, peed on and seen things in your nappies that would curl my father’s hair. I have mopped, hosed, bleached, disinfected and scrubbed enough shit to fill the Wivenhoe Dam. As a family we have spent so much time in the Emergency Ward that we now have special reserve seating. My frequent flyer points are record breaking for the miles to piano, violin, ballet classes, soccer, cricket and rugby games, camps, gigs, formals, concerts, functions, parties and graduations. Then the driving lessons, the late night “Come Get Me” calls when you try to pretend that you haven’t been drinking - yeah right. You each have collected your stories of my various cyclical rebellions to ban Easter, eradicate sugar, go vegetarian, open doors with axes, craft new family customs, explode religious myths and expose you to a variety of brave new worlds. You’ve endured me as a Wiccan, Conspiracy Theorist, Buddhist, Alien, Middle Eastern, New Age – and guffawed with each other about the next crazy thing I throw myself into. You’ve tolerated me dragging you to Chinese Doctors, Naturopaths, Psychics, Intuits, Magicians, Kinesiologists, Acupuncturists; Network Chiropractors, Massage Therapists, Homeopaths and Personal Development Gurus. We’ve pulled all nighters for assignments, presentations, exams, broken hearts, high temperatures and a plethora of childhood illnesses. I’ve cackled to myself with each new fashion statement, hair colour, dance move and favourite song you have shared with me. We’ve chatted, laughed, sang, danced, screamed, yelled, cried, sobbed and just sat silently with each other. Our talks have covered the most mundane to the most outrageous and you have each baffled me with your exceptional intelligence and I often wonder where the hell you came from. And you always remind me. Greater mirrors I have never known. My soul mates. My family. And you know what? I've loved every minute of it! I am who I am because of you. Today is MY day because of you four. Thank You xxx

Only a Dream

In my dream I lived in two houses. In each I had a splattering of my stuff all over the house. Each house felt familiar yet neither of them were owned by me. Each was owned by a family of a boy that went to school with my sons. I felt like an intruder not comfortable yet accepting that's how my home life was. There were secret door ways and hidden rooms within each and each time I was in one house I would discover more of the unknown. In the second house the family were asleep as I explored my room. I looked out the window and saw mountains and valleys and waterfalls and felt compelled to step outside cross the highway that separated me and join this majestic vista from the outside. (Instead of looking through a window) I made my way towards the ocean and sat on a cliff face and watched as people skied down the mountain or sky dived or dove into the waterfalls. There were literally thousands of people having the times of their lives while I sat and watched. All of a sudden a large screen came down from the sky to form a whiteboard like backdrop albeit a giant whiteboard. Then a motorised giant robot appeared buzzing around in the air. It was the robot from Lost in Space but was modernised. No one paid any attention to it as lights flashed and a deep sharp siren was emitted from it. It grabbed my attention and I felt very afraid. A voice inside of me whispered "it's only a character made out of old tin. Nothing to be worried about!" And I felt relief and peace as a result. As the robot whirred in the background strange unfamiliar memories flooded my brain and despite the beauty of the ocean below I fell into a pit of despair. I felt no connection to many of the places, spaces, faces and activities that had chased me for so long. My energy levels were depleted yet somehow victorious. In my minds eye I watched as I walked from the Gold Coast to Ayers Rock wearing one old pair of brown leather sandals. I had a tiny olive canvas back pack on my back taking with me minimal supplies. The journey stripped me bare of all that I had previously thought was important. It took me seven long months. It wore away my bravado and left me with a new softness where there was no place for judgement or criticism. A deep crevasse of wisdom had been chiseled into my heart direct from the sweat that was my only companion on my adventure. Deep in this memory I shuddered for a moment and then took a deep breath and opened my eyes and saw the ocean below for what it really was.

New York Freak Out

What is it about New York that inspires me so? 

I mean for a start it's dirty. It's filthy. I fantasise about grabbing a giant toilet brush and just scrubbing the entire city one building at a time. I flew into Manhattan the afternoon before Hurricane Sandy hit. I was the last flight allowed to land at JFK. Not once was I scared. 

But this new threat - this unseen scourge of humanity - ebola lurking in subways and hanging in the air like an unspoken word.

It has me seriously freaked. 

Not sure why.

My fantasy of New York has been smashed. And I knew it from the morning of our flight when I wanted to cancel my flight and was ridiculed for it.

Seeking Fuel

My body constantly seeks fuel.

Why?

It is always tired.

Why?

I dedicate my time to serving others without serving myself first.

I'm not celebrating my life or having fun.

I'm working for acceptance. Love and to be validated as like everyone else.

No one sees my sacrifice.

They simply criticise the end result of my sacrifice.

What do I want!?

Health beauty adventure peace fun sustainable balanced wholeness 

Only one person can change this.

ME

Little Voice

In one moment of doubt, that tiny suppressed little voice jolts me out of my daydream and whispers about things I believe about myself

I'm not good enough

There is something wrong with me

I don't deserve anything good.

I leave myself open to being betrayed when I love

I don't have the ability to succeed in life

I am bad

I cannot be trusted

One day people will discover that I am a fraud.

I listen. I nod. I agree. Then I argue. Then I put that little voice back in her box where she belongs.

The Shepherds Tree

I remember the last time I heard the wind whisper your name across the desert plain. 
The wind she blew you on adventure away from your sheep and away from me. 
So I wait for you. I wait until the sons of ISIS bring you back to me. 
While I wait my heart lies buried deep in a tomb somewhere neath the Valley of the Kings. 
And I sit under the Shepherds Tree, holding your staff, watching your flock. 
It shelters me, bark healing smooth grey knotted and scarred, it holds me tight while I wait. 

I remember the last time I watched the waves carry you far away past the Nile. 
The river she beckoned you on a hero’s journey closer to the sun and closer to your gold. 
So I wait for you. I wait until the sons of ISIS bring you back to me. 
While I wait my heart lies buried deep in a tomb somewhere neath the Valley of the Kings. 
And I sit under the Shepherds Tree, canopy of autumn leaves filtering the sky. 
It comforts me, clusters of khaki star shaped buds so strongly sweet, it holds me tight while I wait. 

Blue fades to grey darkens to night and holds each star in its own time and space.
Black melts brown into fuscia golden sunrise and holds my heart in its own time and place. 
So I send you on your way and wish a thousand of every good and pure thing for your ka. 

I remember the first time I saw you midnight dreaming under the Shepherds Tree.
The moon she called you on a quest following your bliss following your heart. 
Since then I have waited for you. I wait until the sons of ISIS bring you back to me. 
While I wait my heart lies buried deep in a tomb somewhere neath the Valley of the Kings. 
And I sit under the Shepherds Tree, parched summer breeze humming of tales long ago. 
They remind me, fragments of you burnt into memory, to hold me tight while I wait. 

As the stars need the night sky and the eye needs the storm 
As my earth needs your fire and the tide needs the moon 
I need you like the desert sun.