A major life change at the end of 2006 saw me close off a rather large slice of my heart and say goodbye to a great many of my dreams. At the same time, I saw the value in parts of my life that I was about to walk away from and the two experiences came together and life went on.
Little by little I broke down all the reflections of myself that I despised. The mirrors were stark and unpleasant. But I kept looking and maintained my gaze.
However in the process, I allowed guilt and shame to direct my life choices and I lost myself in the sea of change. The energy drained out of me not as one gulping wave but tiny little swirls over the ensuing years.
I chose this path. It was my decision.
I don't regret it however looking back I can see how I forgot to honour and factor myself into my own life.
So I guess now I have that opportunity. A silver lining to a grey cloud. :-)
I did this consciously
for I believed that I had no value, that I was a bad mother and that I should
suck it up and make the best of it instead. I surrendered to my prison and felt
like I had no other options. Work became the priority and keeping up with those
demands – business and house and life – to minimise the criticism and stress –
was my focus. I had a thriving Business Coaching career. I was writing for
several magazines and was being invited to speak at various events. I was
travelling on my own and setting up global networks for business and friendship
alike. And I have bit by bit closed the door on everything that I created and
that lived inside of my heart. I didn’t have the energy to keep fighting to
maintain ME while serving others so I closed the doors and just surrendered.
But
being candid here I CHOSE to surrender. I CHOSE to submit in my full feminine to
the masculine because I wanted to feel more like a woman and less like the man
who HAD TO MAKE EVERYTHING happen. And I have felt that most definitely. In December 2006, my heart splintered and I vowed to never again allow
another person in to see that part of me that was ME. And I haven’t. I have
developed a workable relationship with a different kind of love. My heart and my soul have been squirreled away so I can just keep up with the
workload.
I did this to myself.
When I look into my future I see nothing but darkness. I no
longer have the purpose that I had. I feel nothing – no connection to that old
me that old vision. I have no idea what I’m headed towards and nothing in my
heart to desire the way I should. It is a big thing to admit but I think that
part of this exhaustion and illness is all about how I have been living my life
since 2007. I don’t feel alive. I feel mostly dead. I want to change that. I
CHOOSE TO CHANGE THAT.
And so I have begun searching for what that may be.
But finding nothing.
So I've decided to give up the search.
I've decided instead to simple BE open to whatever comes to me.
Be open to faith in life and in myself that my purpose cannot be forced
that it will reveal itself to me when I am ready to receive it. Imagine a
control freak not actively participating in her own purpose – shocking right?
But if I’m to survive and thrive and live until I’m 120 years of age, then I
see no other way to be right now THAN to be open and with faith and trust.
Things I’m noting are all the times that my heart has felt like
it is on fire:
A sunset over the ocean.
A sunrise in the bush.
That wind you feel in May late in the evening in George Street
in the city when it is fresh and crisp and comforting.
And then the wind you feel in September late in the evening in
the very same famous wind tunnel when it feels exciting and new like something
beautiful is coming your way.
Holding Archie.
Talking to him about the trees and telling him to listen to
their chatter.
Anytime I travel – New York, Italy, London, France, Ireland,
Nepal – where I arrive in a foreign place yet see myself in the reflections of
the faces around me.
Reading a book that takes me to another time and land where my
heart carries the adventure with me for the next few weeks.
Listening to Beethoven and remembering when Sam and I watched
the Boston Symphony Orchestra in Carnegie Hall together.
Eating healthy fresh Italian food and remembering when Nik and I
sampled antipasti in Eataly in New York most days together.
Drinking Italian red wine and remembering when Tim and I visited
all these wineries together in the Napa Valley when we visited San Francisco for his 21st birthday.
Playing Yahtzee and remembering the six weeks Alex and I played
Yahtzee daily while waiting for Archie to arrive.
Sitting outside in the bush just as the sun is going down
feeling surrounded by dark green, listening to the distant moos of cows, the
cooing of the birds as they find their nest for the night, feeling the cool of
the evening invite itself into my body and remembering the twittering of Mille
and Aggie chuckling with each other as they prepare the evening meal in the
tiny kitchen at Cross Street.
Anytime I visit my aunt's house, I climb into bed and feel as if I am
a baby being cuddled and I feel safe and loved and welcomed.
So my task is simple. Do something every day that fills my heart
with fire. Surround myself with whatever I need to do that. Plan activities to
fire my heart every year. Wake up in the morning with my heart craving the
adventure of the day instead of dreading the stresses that are out of my
control but attributed to me regardless of what I do. Finding the value in the
years since 2007 and feeling the silver linings in my heart in gratitude for
the experiences that brought me here to this very moment where I remembered my
heart and made a commitment to include it in my life again.
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