Perception Adjustment

I had a large family event yesterday. It's a regular occurrence. I've nominated myself as the person responsible for changing the culture in my family and keeping everyone together so I try to run a large event at least four times a year. There is a rhythm to the proceedings now after many years of trying to find my beat. Yesterday my father and stepmother attended. This is a rarity. He is a very grumpy angry man whose company is incredibly challenging to endure. However I unashamedly dangled the carrot of his very pregnant grand daughter to lure him here. I find my relentless commitment to obtaining his seemingly unattainable approval equal parts frustrating, nauseating and impressive. One of my friends yesterday is a seriously powerful deep tissue thai massage therapist. We call her the Princess of Pain. My grumpy old father who refuses to hug any of us not only allowed her to touch his head but massage various painful points on his face.

It was then I witnessed the miracle. 

He smiled instead of scowled. His face looked lighter and younger. He recounted funny stories from his childhood. He actually laughed - a sound I have not heard for decades. And he shared tales of my own birth with my children in the kindest most loving way I've never heard before. He and my mother divorced when I was 20 after a childhood of drama. Every memory of mine is filled with their war zone antics and it has been their relationship model that has haunted me my whole life. 

So you can imagine my surprise when I hear dear old dad speak of my mother in such loving glowing tones.

So I now question our perception as the divining rod in life. Have I painted a character and subsequent relationship portrait in certain colours based on behaviours ultimately driven by underlying unknown health issues?  Has my fathers demeanour and behaviour been influenced and coloured by an overwhelming long term pattern of survival pain? 

I wonder about how we judge others and we then therefore create these value structures in ourselves accordingly. I question the beliefs that we collect throughout our lives as factual. They can very easily be simply perceptions coloured by judgement - in short only one tiny part of a big picture.

I do not expect life or anyone in my life to be perfect. Of course to contrast I'm constantly working it out as I go along, I am the ultimate work in progress haha! :) I do believe however that we can have a relationship with pretty much anyone with shared values as long as the foundation to the structure of ourselves is sound. I think that I realise more and more though that my foundation in my twenties was based on the actions of a girl who had no idea what she wanted or who she was, who, in order to survive, simply made it up as she went along without truly considering the underlying structure driving the creation of her life. I was consistent in my efforts to prove that I was a better person than my parents and therefore was willing to tolerate more shit than you could imagine as a result of this misguided driving force in my life. 

So it's not about the person I perceive I'm in these relationships with. It's about my perception of the foundation of the relationship and the probability of being able to change the entire structure while still connected to that same person.

Thanks Dad for giving me much to consider x