I am that child

Today I drove into a car park during a storm and the water came up fast and flooded up to the top of the car. My very pregnant daughter was in the passenger seat. I froze for a moment in disbelief and she needed to shout at me to get me to take action.

It was unexpected and I was unprepared yet we escaped unharmed.

Now one car written off later I feel incredible shock in my head and body at the thought of putting her in danger that way. All the horror of what COULD have happened have flooded my head and I am swimming in unbelievable anguish as a result. 

I wondered if my own parents ever felt this same way with me and the whole notion of parental love is overwhelming me as a result,

Upon reflection I now understand how much mum and dad actually love me despite decades of me believing otherwise. It is quite possible that they have such a profound overwhelming love for me that it stresses them out and they cannot cope with the emotion as it manifests symptoms in their bodies. So they maintain a level of detachment to keep it all under control. After today I totally get that.

This would also therefore mean that there is a fantasy and nightmare - an imbalance in the perception - mine and theirs.

I have taken on their mental patterning. I have a recurring terrifying nightmare that my children will be harmed because I have a fantasy that I can control everything that happens to them. 

News flash Nicki - you am no longer responsible for them. They are adults responsible for their own decisions. I would love to spend time with my grandchildren however it is not my responsibility to raise them. This incredible job belongs with the parents alone. Pregnancy and Labour - also not my domain. I can be there if I can, to honour my children it is necessary for me to give them space as my parents have given me. But I'm not responsible. Say it again until you feel it - not responsible.

F&&Dk that's so hard to say and believe.

Geez Thank you Mum and Dad for loving me this way. It is exactly what I needed. I wouldn't be who I am today without you loving me in this fashion. I am not a victim of poor parenting. I  am part of a family team energy dynamic. I have all that I need. 

My big personal belief is that it takes a village to raise a child. I am that child. 

This experience brings me greater awareness of life conditions and how quickly they may change. I appreciate how my brave daughter handles herself in a crisis. She will make an excellent mother. Her son will be born into a loving safe family. She does not need my help. She knows how much I love her. She knows she is loved. This pattern of replaying and reliving nightmares shows an analytic mind searching for the key and the access sequence. This is how my mind works at times and this pattern is powerful in business and life. 

This experience is done. I no longer need to relive it. Over! Man I appreciate my vulnerability and see how life is shifting me into that space now. Some benefits of not being in control is to be in the moment. 100%. In the moment outside of fear I have all the tools I need to survive and thrive. If not someone around me will. Help will always be available. The car will be replaced. Our parking needs have diminished. Our costs will decrease. Our lives as a team will now grow more succinct. We live with less bringing us more time, resource, space and energy. 

There is nothing wrong with me feeling such shock. My questioning and even my victim hood brought exceptional value to an ever greater awareness. At every moment I have been everything. At every given moment I am both threatened and protected. I am safe right now. 

My body is the field of expression. 

Body what do you need to say to me? 

Let go. 

Stop worrying and trying so hard. 

Enjoy this moment as each one arrives. 

Live your life. 

Open yourself to the sun and the light in every day. 

Appreciate the faith you have in your parenting that has set up each of your children to live full lives. 

They are fine. 

They have the tools they need. 

Let go. 

All will be fine.