Yet I Am

I don't have time to feel that right now so I'm putting it away somewhere safe well secured and out of mind while I focus on what's more important - my business, my family, whatever drama is unfolding around me. As long as I feel needed. As long as I feel as if I have a purpose, I am ok. Putting out bush fires is second nature and the hit I get instead of caffeine or sugar.

I have fueled my body for the short term lurching from crisis to crisis justifying that there is no time for my body as this other drama holds far more value. So nutrition and core strength exercise consistently building to value my body longevity has been easily dismissed in the "I'm strong I can put myself last again this thing deserves more attention than me. I am more powerful than most people. My super powers keep me alive so I can keep others alive. (with the dangerous unsaid sub text always hanging in the air mocking all around) My body has kept me alive. The masculine hero on the white horse rescuing me from fire flood disaster time and time again. Shifting physical molecular breakdown centimeter by centimeter year by year through all the physical systems each sharing the burden of my defiance until one by one they stop no longer able to find that sliver of movement to carry just one more thing.

My whole being is heavy in burden. I carry the weight of the world and I display my feat for all the world to marvel and admire. "I don't need assistance like everyone else does. I'm not a victim. I'm self sustaining. I'm not a burden on my family community or society."

Yet I am.

Everything I have judged about others viewed as weaker than I am - starting and ending with my mother - I am the same.

My expression is secreted under layers of control holding my shame and pain deep within so no one sees just how much sacrifice I make.