Depression

Depression is natural.
Elation is natural.
Depression and Elation balance each other.

For me, growing up in a typical family, life was broken up into good and bad. We lived in shades of black and white.

I was my own family urban legend and I willingly subscribed to it.
As with most families, I was a mirror and they only saw one side of me and I only saw one side of them.
To my parents, I was such a Nicki.
To this day, I’m not sure what it was that they saw, but growing up, I was sure it was the worst thing in the world. Of course now I understand that they saw reflections of themselves that they neither understood or appreciated or valued.
But as a child, being such a Nicki was a negative.
Being such a Nicki was totally depressing.

I grew up and assumed I was always depressed; until I actually experienced real Depression for the very first time several years ago.

Now looking back I realise that I was just as much a cup is half full kinda person and was upbeat, sunny, happy and positive as much as I was a cup is half empty, dark, sad and negative soul.

Great adventures shifted the parameters of my life, and I have periodically swung from Elation to Depression - just like every other human being does.

Thumbing my way through a dictionary, I recognise the press’s I pushed.
I was Depressed, Suppressed, Repressed and Oppressed.

To depress means to push down.
To suppress means to hold back.
To repress means to keep inside.
To oppress means to keep down.
To press means to force down.

There’s much happening DOWN and BACK and INSIDE isn’t there?

The most incredible discovery for me in all of this was that this journey did involve a perpetrator and a victim and a hero. The generation before me painted the colors of the characters in Joseph Campbell's Heroes Journey in a strict black and white. Understanding now that all these characters - the scary evil perpetrator, the poor defenseless vicim and the hero charging in on his white horse were all ME. Me. I just needed some extra help so I attracted mirrors of them in every area of my life.

When a very significant relationship ended in 2006, I pushed myself down, held back, and kept everything inside and down until there was nothing.

Nothing.

And in that nothingness, I was able to see what the hell it was that I was pushing, holding and keeping down.

It was me.

I would never have seen me without the gift of depression.
I would never have seen who I was without that period of intense depression.

Then once I saw me, I was still depressed.

WHY?

Depression is a symptom specifically designed to break fantasy. What was the fantasy that I held onto? OMG where do I start? My life has always been BIG. Grand vision, big plans, large expectations, major life purpose, monstrous mission all accompanied by a healthy helping of ego. I’m better than this. I can do this. I will not let this stop me. I can achieve that. I’m not a loser like everyone else.

Really? mmmm..............

I believed I was different. I was special. I was unique. I was better.

When I deemed I was NOT (while evaluating myself according to the benchmark of others), then I became disappointed with myself and sank into depression.

I had subordinated myself to someone ELSE's standards and expectations - someone else's story - and was judging myself based on THEIR opinion and NOT my own. Parents, School, Government, Peer Group, Media.... the list goes on.

This cycle continued to perpetuate. By now I could recite it by heart. Like a scientist measuring results in a petri dish, I knew every step.

Aspire, Dream, Attempt, Fail, Fall, Despair and Depress.
time
space
Aspire, Dream, Attempt, Fail, Fall, Despair and Depress.
time
space
Aspire, Dream, Attempt, Fail, Fall, Despair and Depress.
time
space

All of these actions were very real however in my perceptions of them I only saw ONE side.
What was the OTHER side that I was choosing to ignore?

An aspiration takes one on a journey to seek to find.
A dream gives you the chance to seek what you wish for.
An attempt shows great courage and faith.
To fail provides the opportunity for feedback, education, alternatives and more information, which will lead you to success.
Falling can only happen from above. This shows how high you actually were in the first place.
Despair is felt when you recognize the joy that you seek in the first place.
Depress is to push down. You need energy to push. Pushing DOWN can only occur when you recognize that you were UP.

Doesn’t sound like I was in such a bad place after all now does it? Yet there are industries around the globe invested in defining one side of a perfectly natural human behavior homeostasis like Depression into a "condition that requires a solution" and then creating a diverse range of "solutions" and then on-selling them to a worldwide audience.

Here is the deal.
Depression is like having a runny nose and spewing your guts up. It is one way for your mind to manage and express symptoms in an out of balance system.

I will always be depressed and always be elated until I simply recognize the "stories" and simply say" OK This is how I am right now. Not WHO I am, just how."

I'm simply playing the human game and checking out as many traits and experiences as I can!